Older
I would think someone who took a 15-minute cab ride to have a long lunch would try a little harder to enjoy the pleasant afternoon; any weekday afternoon spent doing anything but working is always pleasant in my books. And I would like to think, my not-altogether-unpleasant company. Why else would someone take a 15-minute cab ride just to have lunch on a busy working day, and one that he had suggested anyhow.
It was not that he was sullen or whiny; there were still things to laugh about. But, there was this hardness in his face and words as he brusquely waved off casual observations about current affairs and life, which used to get him started on the most irreverent conversations and hysterical laughter. It was not just disinterest I saw and heard and felt, but a growing tiredness and bitterness with life that I think has settled in a little too deeply.
I suppose having to go home to a couple of unhappy faces every night, after a long day of work, does not make things any easier. Maybe it also has to do with growing older and having more responsibilities (above-35-single-and-looking - for that elusive HDB flat so that you can have two or three rooms smaller than the next to take turns sleeping in throughout the week) to worry about. And naturally, all your old drinking buddies and friends have moved on and are now busy building their own nests and
Now, I know that everyone has their good days and bad; including myself. But, I dunno... lately, I just do not feel like spending too much time around people when they are feeling down or seem more preoccupied with... their own worries. It is not that I am incapable of sympathy. I certainly do not think I am a fair-weather friend. I do not only want to share my friend's good days. It is just that... with the way I have been lately... I dunno... things are strange... and much as I want to talk and listen to my friends and even strangers, I also need some time and space to... live my own life - for now.
So, I was looking forward to lunch; to doing something other than working on a weekday afternoon; to meeting an old friend who I only see very irregularly; to getting my hair coloured after that. And I had made a mental note to not let the pile of work and deadlines back in the office, or any of my thousand and one random worries, spoil the afternoon (which went pretty well, I still think) for my friend AND myself. I suppose I could have been a little more charming, or maybe flirted a little just to cheer up my friend. But, eh, nah. Smothered fires should not be re-started.
It was really what someone said. That, no matter how bad her day was, she would try to not to bring it along with her when she meets her boyfriend / friends. Seeing them makes her happy and she does not want to waste the time together continuing to feel miserable about something that happened earlier and has nothing to do with present company anyhow.
I wonder if that is why some old friends "lose" contact (and for that matter, couples who gradually lose interest in each other) - when friends start to take each other for granted. And after a while, we stop feeling guilty about cancelling a high tea, or not calling our friend just for a quick chat to catch up. After all, are we missing out on anything?
Till death do us part
Does living become harder as we grow older?
Is it the monotony of doing the same things over and over and over, again and again and again?
Is it that as everything and everyone around us change, we begin to feel the tedium of keeping the pace?
Do we then continue to live life as we have, holding on to the things that we are familiar with; that give us something to look forward to; that make us happy? But, what happens when these very things begin to feel... unfamiliar? What happens when they no longer give us the same pleasure? What happens when they no longer make us happy? What happens when everyone else has moved on? What happens when life itself has left you behind?
Do we really desire, above all, Constancy? The Constancy of our creature comforts. The Constancy of a man's heart. The Constancy of our very existence - that our every breath will lead to another, and another, and another...
Or do we crave Constancy because we fear Change; the Un-certainty of Change; the Un-known?
What happens when we allow this fear to eat at us? What happens when we begin to resent changes? What happens when we begin to resent the future - our future? We will grow old. And, we will grow bitter with this burden - of living. And, we will wish we were dead.
I do not think living ever gets easier - even with the lessons from our past experiences. It is a constant effort, though not necessarily a chore. Every day is different. (And we can never know if our next breath might be our last.) There is always something different, if not new, to discover and to learn. Living only becomes a burden when we deny the changes around us and in us, and we allow ourselves to stop being interested about life.
(Just as loving a person can become a chore, and eventually, a burden, when you stop wanting to learn about him, and to grow with him as he changes.)
We must never give up on living.
Unpacking
Someone had this to say: "If you don't stop comparing the new guy with the old, and let go of your past, you would never be able to give your all to the new relationship, and the new beginning that he and you both deserve."
I thought these things were understood, and that we go into each new relationship with that as the first thing in mind. But I guess people just have to be reminded.
From the present to the past
It is not hard to remember what it was like to have loved someone.
The difficulty is that we have a tendency to forget what it is like to be love-ing another person.
You must never stop love-ing. Every day. Every quirk that makes him so different from everyone else - and you. Every hour. Every witty remark or word - no matter how ordinary. Every minute. Every little smile to himself. Every second. Every eyelash resting on the pale shadows under his eyes as he sleeps. Every - precious - moment when you are with him.
